I welcome our future computer assistants...

…but they’re going to have to deal with the fact that my wife and I commonly have exchanges like this:

Me: can you hand me the thingy from the thing?

Courtney: this one?

Me: which one?

Courtney: the one I’m pointing at

Me: I’m not looking at you

Courtney: this one

Me: the thingy!

Good luck, machine learners!


We should make jokes about tech millionaires

I try not to respond to the bullshit in this world with “this person is awful and they should feel awful”. Except for politicians. I try not to participate in witch hunts. I cope via jokes and satire.

After making a few jokes about Paul Graham at RubyConf, a fellow asked me why I made fun of that poor kingmaker (not his words). In short, I think everyone should make jokes about multimillionaires, especially Paul Graham. He’s a celebrity-of-sorts, making the idea of Paul Graham completely open to satire and ridicule. My favorite such satire was a composite character from Silicon Valley who, due to the actor’s passing, will sadly not recur on the show. So it’s up to us, the unwashed internet people, to poke sticks in his platonic sides.

The thing to illuminate is how past Paul Graham used to have the analytical and rational skills to tell when someone like current Paul Graham is acting a fool. Graham suffers from confirmation bias and billionaire bias. He thinks his rational skills are still sharp enough to help him write about extremely tricky and irrational topics like diversity or inequality and he thinks his monetary success makes him doubly qualified to write about these topics from his own first principles. In other words, Past Paul Graham should know enough to tell Current Paul Graham when he’s out of his league.

I feel Paul Graham is an example of the geeks-shall-inherit-the-world and corruption of money that is bullshit in this world and everyone should apply satire to him whenever possible.


Things I’ve noticed San Franciscans deeply despise:

  • housing prices
  • nearby events that aren't actually held in San Francisco (e.g. the Super Bowl)

Commercialeering

Things you might hear in commercials/promotions for software and beer:

“The first 96-calorie Pilsner” “Invented the smooth-pour top” “Next-generation build system” “The database that beats the CAP theorem”

American software and beer, much innovation, many hands waving. Solutioneering!


Vegas, America/Starbuck's playground

I’m going to Vegas this weekend with my wife on a real vacation where we’re going to do as little as possible. Not run around Disney World all day, not drive up and down the southern California coast. Based on this little bit of research, I can’t wait.

Three Starbucks facing each other

A chunk of paper

20140328-172728.jpg

So I’m in rehearsals for a comedic musical. I love comedy. I’m very “meh” about musicals; I don’t know much about them. I like combining familiar and strange things, so it’s great so far.

I carry a big chunk of paper around what has the lines written on it. Some of the pages are typed, some of them are photocopies of the script from the original production in 1995. It’s held together with brads. It’s completely archaic.

The director is kind of a “most interesting man in the world” kind of character. Mixed in with a little bit of the least organized person in the world.

We have yet to receive the actual music for this musical. We learned the closing song for act one last night. The whole song has fewer than ten words in it.

Basically, this is the opposite of all the computer things I do and it’s just about perfect.


Toot a horn while you test

Someone make me a thing that plays horn samples as my test suite runs. Every time a test or assertion finishes, toot the horn sample. A fast suite would sound like Phil Spector’s Wall of Sound (i.e. awesome), a slow one would sound like a grade school marching band (i.e. kill it with fire).


The Rite of March

INT. OFFICE: A team of enthusiastic young folk rush to get their “game changing” app ready for SXSW. A cacophony of phone calls, typing, and organizing swag.

EXT. PATIO: A team of folks that have done the SXSW ritual before look at their calendar, note it’s almost the middle of March, and shrug. They go back to drinking a tasty beverage and working at their own pace.

[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch


How to Jerry Seinfeld

How Jerry Seinfeld writes a joke:

[youtube www.youtube.com/watch

Very different from how I approach it. But, I love knowing how much goes into his craft and the degree to which he is particular about how he does it.


A conversation between fictional engineers in a fictional world

A hypothetical conversation that may have occurred between two non-existent engineers working on the second Death Star in the completely fictional Star Wars universe.

Engineer #1: Hey Bob, I was perusing the blueprints for this “Second Deathstar” this morning. Pretty impressive stuff.

Engineer #2: Thanks Hank. I’m pretty proud of it.

Engineer #1: And you should be! Had one question though. There was something in the request-for-proposals that mentioned some flaw in the previous one where a snub fighter could drop a torpedo through a vent and blow the whole thing up, yeah?

Engineer #2: Yep! Don’t you feel bad for the poor schmuck who made that decision?

Engineer #1: Haha, that’s a good one Bob. So you fixed that right?

Engineer #2: Oh, definitely. All the exhaust ports are small enough the only thing falling in there is a grain of sand.

Engineer #1: Nice thinking! So, my real question is, what’s this giant opening you can fly a large freighter through? And why does it lead right to the station’s giant fusion reactor that sits in a room big enough to fly in circles in said large freighter?

Engineer #2: Oh, that? Well, the passage from that room to the surface is where I’m going to run all the pipes and wiring that I forget about until the last second. I figure once I’m done patching everything together, no pilot would be able to fly through there, even in a snub fighter.

Engineer #1: And the giant room?

Engineer #2: Oh, you know clients. Always deciding they want something really impressive at the last minute. I figured I’d just leave a little extra room in case they come up with something at the last minute.

Engineer #1: Haha, right again Bob. Clients are such idiots.


Texas is its own dumb thing

Southern American English

OK, here’s the deal. Wikipedia has it all wrong.

  1. Texas is not part of the South. Texas is its own unique thing. Sure we have dumbasses, but they are our dumbasses, wholly distinct from your typical Southern dumbass.
  2. In Texas, the way you refer to “you all” is “ya’ll”; it’s a contraction of “ya all”.
  3. They neglected to mention the idiomatic pronunciation of words like “oil” (ah-wllllll) or “wash” (warsh).

Please take it under consideration: Wikipedia is edited by a lot of damn Oklahomans.


Chance Encounter

Another meme-ish “film” by yours truly. This time, the idea is you do something in five seconds, plus a two second intro and a one second outro. Here’s what I came up with:

This is an adaptation of possibly my favorite improvised joke. I deploy this joke when a conversation is interrupted by some disturbance or noisy distraction. Right before the conversation is going to continue, I say “…and that’s how I met the president and the pope on the same day.” Works pretty well.

Funny aside: I found out about this on the Vimeo site, thinking there was a competition this weekend. Turns out, it was last weekend. Figures.


iPod Spaceman

ipodspaceman.jpg

(With due apologies to the creators of New Math, the writers of 30 Rock and the lovely iPod people.)


Two cellphones

People with two cellphones worry me.

(More six word stories. Also, an article as such in Wired.)


Disastersploitation

DISASTER!

Crank that funk.


The State on DVD, finally

It would appear that, after long last, The State DVD is forthcoming. I cannot wait. The State and Daria were probably the two best works of original programming ever on MTV. (Via Coudal Partners)


Postmodern comedy gold

The Nietzsche Family Circus - random Nietzsche quote + vintage comics = comedy gold.


The Trading Places solution to the credit crunch

Put on your federal government hat. Get the remaining TARP funds out from under the mattress.

  1. Note bank share prices
  2. Start buying shares in banks
  3. Announce you are going to buy every bank in the country
  4. Let the price go up a bit, but keep buying shares
  5. When the old guys get nervous, start selling
  6. Keep selling until prices drop below the noted price
  7. Put the TARP funds back under the mattress
  8. Use the profits to prop-up the already propped-up banks
  9. Insist they actually lend the money this time

At your discretion, send the SEC on an executive retreat and accidentally disable Blackberry email servers.


Crazy hair


One Velociraptor Per Child

The One Velociraptor Per Child project:

The project's origins go back more than four decades to the early days of paleontology, when most dinosaurs were still the size of skyscrapers, and almost no one dreamed they would ever be suitable for children.